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Building Cohesion in Marriage

11/28/2012

3 Comments

 
As posted on Visiionary Womanhood 11-26-12 by Kim Doebler

 A few weeks ago I was helping my daughter with science. While quizzing her on
the vocabulary words, we came to the word cohesion. Cohesion
is: “the phenomena that occurs when individual molecules are so attracted to
each other that they tend to stay together, even when exposed to tension.” As I
read this definition the Lord whispered, “This is what I want for
marriages
.”

 God wants us to experience in marriage the phenomenon that occurs when two
individuals are so attracted to each other that they tend to stay together, even
when exposed to tension.

 The key element seems to be the attraction. So as a wife, in
every situation, I can either be strengthening or weakening our attraction.

 Here are three of many lessons I have learned in the past 27 years of
marriage that stick out to me regarding how I tried to weaken the attraction
between Todd and I.

 Believe the Best
The first one was early in our marriage. I had brought a bad habit into our
life together. I had a tendency to add my interpretation to anything Todd did or
said. It really didn’t matter what he said or did because I would come to my own
conclusions anyway.

 One day he sat me down and said, “I would not purposefully hurt you. And I
would really like it if you would believe the best about
me
.”

It was true; I was constantly being hurt by what I read into his comments or
actions. My mind was a playground of negativity. My thoughts were definitely
weakening our attraction.

 As this conversation continued, we agreed to believe the best about each
other and not to allow ourselves to come to our own conclusions about what the
other person “really” meant. If we thought there was more to a comment than what
was said, we were to ask the other person. Wow.  So simple, yet not my natural
tendency.

 So this not only affected how I thought about Todd, it also affected how he
responded to me. From this point on, if he asked me, “Are you OK?” and I mumbled
“Yes,” he believed me. No more games. I had to communicate the
truth if I wanted to keep our attraction strong.

 Don’t be Easily Offended
A second lesson I learned about attraction happened while we were out to
dinner with another couple. During the meal, the other husband told an
embarrassing story about his wife. When he was finished, the wife laughed and
added a few more details of her own. As I watched this transpire, I was amazed.
Most wives I knew (including myself) would have been offended by this man’s
story and would have bristled and glared at him. This wife looked so
beautiful as she laughed
and joined in the story.

 It hit me how ugly the easily offended woman looks. I wanted
the beauty this woman portrayed. This event sticks with me today. When I feel
myself wanting to cross my arms and squint my eyes in disgust at my husband, I
hear myself scolding, “Ugly, ugly, you are being ugly.”

 This rebuke helps me to put into practice the lesson of “believing the best”
about my man that I learned in the first example. Actually, with both of these
examples, it is the lies in my mind that have to be fought.
Todd and I chose each other to spend the rest of our lives together with; why am
I so quick to break down our attraction by thinking on what is false, wrong, and
blameworthy?

 Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right,
whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is
excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. (Philippians 4:8)

 God’s ways are definitely better than my natural tendencies.

 Your Husband is Not the Enemy
One last example of my weakening our bond was regarding my communication. I
had thought I was communicating by telling Todd all the things I didn’t like.
One day as I was reading the Bible, I read Ephesians 4: 28 “speak the truth in love.” The
translation I heard was, “Kim, you are not speaking the truth in love or
communicating, you are condemning.” In other words I wasn’t loving Todd by
telling him what I didn’t like; I was demanding him to change or else I wouldn’t
be pleased with him.

 While listing to Todd all the things I didn’t like, I started to view him as
the enemy. Instead of seeking unity, I was fighting him. As I read one of the
gospels, I came to the part when Jesus rebuked Peter by saying, “Get thee behind
me Satan.” Jesus knew that Peter wasn’t the enemy; Satan was.

 That is the battle I need to remember too. Todd is not the enemy;
Satan is
. Todd and I are one; it is Satan that wants to lie, kill, and
destroy our marriage.

 So if I can weaken our cohesion, I can strengthen it too. The choice is
mine.

 In the book His Needs/Her Needs, there is a list of a
man’s five most important emotional needs. This list is helps me check what
areas I may need to increase my efforts in so I can increase the attraction
between my prince charming and myself.

 The five needs are: sexual fulfillment, recreational companionship, physical
attractiveness, domestic support and admiration. We each need to know our own
man and how he would best appreciate our living these out. Quickly, I would like
to give an example of how these look for us.

 Sexual fulfillment
Since I am the slow cooker type and my husband is more like a microwave, I
need to work at prepping myself for his advances each day. The mind is
such a huge part of this process
. What I do is I purpose to think about
my husband in a romantic way while we are apart each day.

 I encourage myself to ponder his touch and his kiss. I even rest a little
each afternoon with the thought that I am saving that energy for my husband when
he gets home that night. These efforts allow me to be more receptive to his
advances and, at times, to even entice him with a little flirting of my own.

 Recreational companionship
The realization that I wanted to be associated with Todd’s most
enjoyable activities
is what motivated me to take up fishing and
hunting. We did need to alter these activities a little to make them work. For
example, I always bring a book along when we go fishing, because his zeal is
longer lasting than mine. A book allows me to continue to enjoy being with him,
while still being available to celebrate his catches with him.

 Regarding hunting, it did not take us long to figure out that we could not
carry enough gear into the woods to keep me warm during gun season, so I became
a bow hunter only.

I received three bonuses by sharing these activities with Todd.
We had great conversations in the car on the way to a favorite fishing lake or
the tree stand. I experienced his beaming with pride whenever I caught a fish or
made a good shot. Plus, he showed so much patience with me as he passed on these
skills, and he had so much knowledge to share.

 Physical attractiveness
One small thing I do for my husband that he finds attractive is wear my hair
long. Often other women will tell me it is my hair, and I can do what I want
with it. Well, I want to wear it in a way that is attractive to my
husband
. I am thankful to know what he likes so I can do it. Again, I
want to be strengthening our attraction, and the physical aspect is definitely
part of that.

 Domestic support
I am not a neat freak, yet I want my husband to want to be home. What
motivates me to pick up is the desire to have our home to be a haven. I
view our house as a refuge, a place to be refreshed
. Having meals ready
at regular times, clothes washed and put away, as well as a minimal amount of
clutter around are the least I can do to build cohesion in this area of our
lives.

 Admiration
Many years ago we had an assignment for a women’s group I was in. We were to
compliment our husband once a day for a month. I have to admit this felt
awkward. But after a month of gushing my husband admitted to thinking, “Gee that
was nice of her to say.”

 Much to my surprise, he was not at all thinking that I was going overboard.
This convinced me of two things. First, my being comfortable should not be a
guide by which I use to hand out compliments. Secondly, my husband likes
and needs a lot of encouragement
. Cheerleading may not be my strength,
but it is a big part of my being a wife.

 So cohesion may be a phenomena, but it is one that I can create or
deflate
. I know tension will come, so during the non-tense times, I
will build attraction. Communicating, not being easily offended and meeting his
five most important emotional needs are great ways to build cohesion. Resisting
the devil and thinking the best about the man I chose to spend the rest of my
days with sounds like the kind of phenomena I want to live out.

3 Comments

Tea Party Fun Plus Scone Recipe

11/26/2012

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Tea parties and girls go hand in hand. Girls love dressing up,
using beautifully dainty dishes and nibbling on scrumptious delicacies. Boys like hearty meals that can be eaten until they are full so they can lean back and rub their tummies. Today we are dedicating time to the more delicate girls.

 When we host a tea party, we invite girls and their moms. Each is
asked to dress nicely. At times we have each family bring their own tea cup to drink out of; other times we have asked each family to bring a favorite delicacy to share. Another option would be to have girls wear hats or gloves. 
 
Yes, tea is served to the moms and any girl that wants it, but
hot chocolate and hot apple cider are also offered.

 One element of tea parties that always tripped us up was scones.
They seemed so appropriate, but so dry! Ah, but we have been introduced to the best scones on the planet and they are never dry. Here is that yummy recipe:

 ENGLISH TEA SCONES WITH DEVONSHIRE CREAM:

 1 egg slightly beaten ** approx. 1 cup buttermilk ** 2  cups of flour ** 1/4 cup of sugar  ** 1/2 tsp salt

 2 ½ tsp baking powder ** 6 Tbs butter ** ½ cup of raising or
  dried cranberries ** ½ cup of white chocolate chips

 Put egg in 1 cup and add enough buttermilk to equal 1 cup. Combine flour, sugar, baking powder, and salt. Cut in butter until mixture is crumbly. Stir in dried fruit and chips. Add buttermilk mixture. Stir until dough is moistened. Drop dough ½ cup at a time onto ungreased cookie sheet. Bake at 400 degrees for 12-15 minutes. Makes 12 super yummy scones.

 DEVONSHIRE CREAM: (we often double this, because we like it so
much)

 3 ounces of cream cheese, softened **1 Tbs powdered sugar ** ½ tsp vanilla ** ½ cup of Cool Whip  

Beat cram cheese until light and fluffy. Beat in sugar and vanilla. Gradually beat in Whip Cream to make it more spreadable. Do not
overbeat. Cover and chill 2-24 hours. Makes 1 cup.

 Serve this with your scones! It is divine spread all over the top!

 May this recipe be a wonderful addition to your entire tea party
memory making!


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Soft Moms vs. Harsh Dads

11/23/2012

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God makes each of us unique; that means different from one another. Men and women are different from the get go, yet as wives we often want to make our man like us or at least like our girlfriends.

  As parents this can at times cause us to be divided. Often it looks like Dad is the mean one and Mom is the defender of the children. In general, mom tends to think dad is too tough with the children. His punishments are too much. So as Dad doles out the consequence, Mom stands behind him rolling her eyes and mouthing “it will be fine”. 

Three things to point out here, first, it is vitality important
that mom and dad have a united stand in front of the children. So if the mister isn’t doing things the way you think he should, don’t show it to the children. Take your disagreement and discussion behind closed doors. If he agrees with your insight, he can always go back to the children and correct the matter.

 Secondly, God made us different; this is not right and wrong,
just different. Although most wives I know would at times think their husband speaks too harshly to the children, it is amazing how the children seem to be able to take it from Dad. Children respect their dads. Dads are even bragged about to their friends.

 Lastly, often moms are overly soft. We pride ourselves in having
compassion, but our feelings keep us from doing what is best for our child. So what appears to be an overly harsh husband is just the other end of the spectrum. Because one is soft and one is firm, the other person always seems wrong.  Our being extremes, can also cause the other person to cling to their extreme to counter the other parent. Yikes, what a cycle. 

God uses our differences. Look for how God uses the confidence
your husband has to discern situations and act on them throughout life. Be thankful he is involved and wants to help guide your children. Trust him to want what is best for your children. We
too must want what is best for our children and a unified marriage is definitely best for them.

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Courage Devo for Children

11/20/2012

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Courage is strength to stand up even if there is fear or danger.
Other words we use for courage are: bravery and strength. The opposite of courage would be: cowardice.

 Children can often affiliate courage with big events and not realize courage is needed every day. Here is a discussion or devotional that can help relate courage to children in a way they can understand.  


Quiz: answer yes or no to each statement. (can skip quiz for younger children)

 --I stand up for what is right, even if I stand alone.

 --I don’t give in to doing what is wrong.

 --Fear of failure does not keep me from trying things.

 --I am not afraid to express myself just because some people
  might not approve.

 
Many examples of courage in the Bible, here are three:

 --David, Daniel, and Shadrach

 Neither giants, lions nor a fiery furnace could keep them from standing up for God! They stood up for God even when there was fear and danger.

 Name any other courageous people in the Bible and what made them courageous.

 
Courage is not just for big events, it is for:

 --telling the truth even when you know you might get into trouble

 --standing up for someone when they are being picked on

 --taking responsibility for your actions –saying “I did it”when 
mom thinks someone else is guilty

 --trying something new

 --reaching out and befriending someone new

 --praying out loud

 Discuss which scenario is hardest for a child and pray for them to have courage in that area.

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What I CAN Do

11/18/2012

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This weekend I met a second and third grade school teacher. She
“loop” teaches, so she can be with her students two years in a row. She loves her students, but her heart pains for them in many situations. 

One boy she has in class is ostracized because he flips out when
things don’t go his way. He will throw himself out of his desk onto the floor.  The real pain is that this teacher has never met his parents. They have never come for a parent/teacher conference
or any other school activity. 

Then there is the mom that did come to the parent/teacher conference obviously drugged up. As the teacher started to tell this mother a few of her concerns regarding her daughter, the mother rolled her eyes and said, ”I have much more important things to worry about than this.”

 My heart breaks. But, what even hurts more is another situation
people close to us just went through. They had a girl staying with them, when gradually things started to go south. The visitor showed signs of depression and started talking suicide. When her parents were called, the father said, “We are way too busy to deal with this.”

 The rest of the story is, this father is a pastor. I have so many
questions. 

Why do I tell you all this? Actually, I am not sure how to respond to this. I want to fix these homes, but I can’t. I pray God will protect these children. 

What I can do is not get too busy, worried, or distracted to know
my own children.

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Black Friday Special

11/18/2012

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Black Friday is just around the corner. The day after Thanksgiving has been marked as the start of Christmas shopping for many Americans. This year I would like to join the craze by offering free shipping for all orders on friday, Nov. 23. I think ESP Character Training would make a wonderful Christmas gift, truly a gift that would keep on giving, so here is my part to help that happen!  
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Glimpses of His Working

11/15/2012

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When training gets tiring, when nothing seems to be helping, look
closely for little moments of encouragement. I believe God strengthens us with little glimpses of His working in our children’s lives. 

A friend that was visiting recently reminded me of how much we worked with our one daughter to just get her to talk to people at church. Fast forward eight years and we are stilling working with this child. Yes, we could be discouraged. Yet, along the way we have seen improvements, that is what spurs us on.

 Often in training when I have felt like giving up, a child will show a glimmer of doing what we are teaching them. Although the skill is not mastered, they show they have been listening and something is getting through. 
 
It is these flashes that I thank the Lord for. They are wind to
my sail. In a moment I am encouraged. Still it can be easy to miss these moments. I must purpose to notice them and allow them to remind me that God is moving. When I feel discouraged, it is these moments I cling to. 
 
Our “quiet” daughter prayed the other day that God would strengthen her to smile and talk to people she doesn’t know. Yes, I was encouraged. She came home from church and named three people she had talked to. I was encouraged. We talk a lot about looking for others that no one is talking to and considering the needs of others and not just our own comfort. So those times when she stands off to the side, I remember these moments and go to her to spur her on again.

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Speak With Conviction

11/11/2012

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Attatched is a video that points out our wishy washy way of communicating. It exposes our unwillingness or inability to speak with conviction. Enjoy it; while at the same time I hope we are challenged to raise our children differently than the culture around us. Click the link below:

http://vimeo.com/3829682
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Marriage Needs to be a Priority

11/9/2012

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Whether you have been married one year, twenty years or fifty
years, your marriage needs to be a priority. We cannot get lax.

 How big of a priority does our marriage have to be? 
 
Well the way I see it, God has first called us to Himself. In Him
we are complete, because He has given us everything we need for this life and for godliness. This is the foundation the rest of our life stands on. On Christ the solid rock I stand.

 Then God gives us a partner; a husband to lead us. Our spouse is
not to replace our relationship with Jesus, rather because of Christ our marriage is better. In marriage we are told to cleave, even to leave our mom and dad; we are now a complete family. Our marriage is the ground floor the rest of our life rests on.

Out of our oneness, God gives us the gift of children. Never are
we told to cleave to our children. Instead our children are a gift from the Lord that comes with responsibility. As a couple we are to train them in the way they should go. Children are not to replace or diminish our marriage relationship; rather our children are better because of our strong marriage. Children are some of the rooms built on our ground floor.

 So the priorities go: God, marriage and then children. All other
“rooms” come after these three.

 Children can easily try to jump up to a priority they are not
supposed to hold. John Rosemond said in the November ’12, AFA magazine, page 13, “nothing contributes more to a child’s sense of well being than knowing his parents are in a vibrant, committed relationship with one another. Under those circumstances, he doesn’t even need a lot of attention. More important is the fact that his parents give a lot of attention to each other.”

 Honor God by following His priorities and reap the benefits in
all areas of your life!

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Speaking Love and Pleasure

11/6/2012

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Matthew, Mark, Luke and II Peter all quote when God the Father
spoke of Jesus from the Majestic Glory, saying “This is my Son, whom I love, with him I am well pleased.”

 How powerful! 

We too can speak these power giving words to our children. Imagine, in front of others, saying “This is my daughter, I love her!” or “Son, you did well.” Or “That is my child, I am so proud of him!”

 My nephew heard me referring to J.T. as my “son”; it was something like, “Thank you, Son.” He turned to his mom and said, “I like that, wish you would call me, ‘Son’.”

 Speak openly of your relationship by using “son” and“daughter”.
Let them know of your continual love, constant and unwavering. Whenever possible voice your pleasure. Who doesn’t want to know they please another. 
 
Follow our Heavenly Father’s example and SPEAK words of love and pleasure to your children. 

When referring to these words, II Peter says, “He received honor
and glory from God the Father when the voice came to Him”… Don’t be afraid to speak honor and glory into your children. Be sincere. Gushing insincerely has an opposite effect. 

Make it an assignment at first if this is not a natural habit,
then as you become more comfortable the habit will develop. Our role as parent is full of correction and guiding; but as God the Father shows us, it must also speak love and pleasure.

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