I would ask you to please skip reading this post. This is considered a “private matter” yet I know I am not alone, so I would like to share with hopes of helping at least one other woman.
In preparation for marriage I read several books. One book in
particular was about sex. That book assured me that I could anticipate enjoying an orgasm on our honeymoon. When this didn’t occur I started to doubt my ability to “perform”.
Communication in this area was uncomfortable for me; I didn’t
know what I needed, so I didn’t know what to say. My husband was very patient and continued to assure me he was enjoying our attempts.
I couldn’t believe he was enjoying our long unsuccessful efforts,
when he could perform so easily. Often he would tell me “Relax, enjoy yourself”. Yet, with each tic of the clock I would only become more anxious.
Months turned into years. Part of me was sure I would never experience this enjoyable aspect of love making. I am not at all saying I didn’t enjoy the closeness I felt during sex, I did. Often I wanted to tell my husband, let’s just give up on the orgasm idea, I am fine without it. He was determined though; he continued to guide me to only thinking about the good feelings and relax!
Finally, I took his advice. It was hard to caste out all other
thoughts and concerns, but as I did, I was free to enjoy the process. When I didn’t demand a goal in a certain amount of time, I began to relax. As I trusted that my husband was enjoying the endeavor, my being uneasy started to fade.
As I trusted my husband and accepted my “slowness” we gained ground. I would still give up short of the goal, but now I believed I was capable of an orgasm.
Because of my husband’s gentle patience we experienced success! What a wonderful bonding experience. Definitely worth the effort!
The same battles rage even now. We have both become able to
“perform”; yet, distraction, impatience and anxiety still ever want to hinder our accomplishing that objective.
Prepping my mind during the day, thinking romantically about my
lover prepares me to want to enjoy our intimate time. Recognizing how my impatience shuts down our fun, gives me reason to fight to be patient. Obviously, anxiety doesn’t improve anything, especially not my sexual response. Trusting my husband and delighting in his closeness is how I chase any anxiety away.
The up side to our having this struggle is we continue to experience more freedom and enjoyment in our sex life each year. After twenty-seven years of marriage, our sex life is still exciting.
So if any of you want to give up on having an orgasm…don’t. It is
a worthy goal. Most likely you are your own worst enemy. Stop sabotaging your efforts with impatience and anxiety. Enjoy; think about what is pleasurable, don’t be afraid to move however is needed, and know your man is enjoying the process too. As a matter of fact, your success intensifies his pleasure. So enjoy!